So… It’s been 370 days since I left my homeland. 370 days since I watched the curves and Hills of South Africa slowly fade in to the distance behind me. One year ago I felt so ready – Ready to face this new adventure. Ready to see Amanda again. Ready to start my own life. Thinking back, I was probably a bit naive in thinking that it would be easy; that it would be a breeze to just move to a new country, start a new life, and leave your old life behind.
I wasn’t prepared for a lot of it. Not AT ALL. I was not prepared for the extreme exclusion I have been felt every time there was a major milestone in SA that I wasn’t not a part of. I was not ready for the distance between my family and me. I was not prepared for the culture shock that I still continuously experience. I was not prepared for how difficult the real life can be.
I have grown, tremendously over the past year. Amanda and I both have needed to deal with situations that neither of us have faced before. We have needed to be strong at times, stronger than normal, especially when the other felt weak. There have been times where both of us felt down in the dumps, times where we felt like the world was out to get us. Fortunately, both of us have amazing parents. Without their help I have no idea where we would be. There are no words, no “thank you” that would ever be big enough to show our appreciation. We as a family have gotten through some real rough parts thanks to you guys. We love you guys so much!!
I have become more in-tune with my mental health, as well as the problems I face with them. I have realized how behind South Africa is in terms of speaking out about mental health. Depression and anxiety are almost taboo, something that doesn’t really exist in the eyes of most South Africans. I have wised-up (If I can even call it that) on my mental health, and although I struggle, I feel more in-tune with my emotions because of it. One year ago I met two of the most amazing children in this world, and became their “daddy” essentially overnight. One year later I still have much to learn. Patience is probably top of that list. I would consider myself to be a pretty good dad – involved, reliable, a pretty good role-model. Patience, or lack thereof is (in my opinion) my biggest flaw. But I am learning and growing every day as a parent. Isn’t that basically what parenting is all about?? I am still learning what my role as a step-parent involves, but I have made leaps and bounds towards being what I need to be, to help raise these two amazing children in to two amazing adults. Both are so intelligent. They help me be a better person, they help me strive to be better.
This journey has brought me to new heights, some days to new lows as well. Every decision has been a game-changer for us. It hasn’t always been easy; but it has ALWAYS been worth it.
One year later, we are expecting a new blessing. Personally, I cannot be more excited for the next 5 odd weeks to pass by. I cannot wait to hold her for the first time, touch her cheek for the first time. I love our child so much already. A love that is explainable to anyone that isn’t a mother or a father. I already constantly worry about ways to protect her from the world. I think it is safe to say that Amanda and I are officially ready for her arrival now. This pregnancy has given us its own set of struggles and challenges, and I think we have won most of those battles. I am 100% certain that I suffer from couvade syndrome, which is just a fancy OFFICIAL scientific term for having similar symptoms to what your pregnant wife experiences. I have a CONSTANT craving for baked goods. Donuts, milk tart, anything that has been made fresh. I crave milkshakes and coffee. I get mood swings, tummy cramps, nausea. I have essentially been getting it the entire pregnancy. At first, I thought that it was just a stupid thing in my head, but apparently it’s a pretty common experience for dads-to-be. Either way, some days our household has two very moody people. which makes it pretty… interesting some days. Before and during the early stages of the pregnancy I lost a pretty decent amount of weight. It’s safe to say that I just misplaced it, and this pregnancy definitely helped me find it again! Just like 101 dalmatians, I found a couple of extra ones as well.
The past year I went from being in a long-distance relationship, to moving in and being in a “normal” relationship, to being engaged, to being MARRIED! Let me tell you one thing – marriage isn’t what everyone makes it out to be – It’s so much more than that. If it was not for Amanda I would most probably not have grown as much as a person. I would not have known what true love is, and what it feels like to wake up next to someone you love. Every marriage has its difficult parts; we are no different. But every struggle has been worth it. Every obstacle we have faced has been worth it. Today, as I sit here, writing this, I feel so much love for you. You are an amazing life partner, amazing mother and amazing person in general. Waking up to you is the best feeling in this entire world. One which I hopefully never take for granted.
What have been my top 5 personal challenges this past year?
1. Coming to the realization that my family will never get to have the close bond with my children that I got to experience in my life. They will never be able to just sleep over at my mom’s house. My siblings will never be able to just babysit them while we go out. They will never have Sunday meals with everyone. I knew this from the beginning, but the closer we get to due date, the bigger this realization has become. It is probably a struggle I will have for a very long time. By far the biggest struggle I face
2. Not being allowed to work – The visa process has been an excruciatingly long one. I have not been allowed to work for a full year now. We have made steps towards my work authorization, and hopefully soon-enough it will come through. I am so ready to work, so ready to start contributing.
3. Cultural differences, like the way elders are treated, the way children treat and speak to their parents, the way women are treated, and in turn, the way women act around men. The limitations and expectations placed on parents to raise perfect children but judging their methods to achieve that. The shit people argue about in the US. Everything must be a debate. Every disagreement must be made known. The humour is very different. Passive-aggressiveness is the word of the day almost every day. RESTAURANTS DON’T HAVE A CHILDREN’S PLAY AREA, EVER! Life is much less affordable. The term friendship is defined very differently here.
4. Politics – Going from one asshole government, to another asshole government. Going from being targeted as a minority, to being targeted as another minority. Enough said. I don’t enjoy speaking about politics, because there is usually no mutual respect for your stand points on a specific matter.
5. The medical industry in the United States is a joke. It is open robbery. You are either rich and have amazing healthcare, or you essentially die one day before paying off all your medical bills. For being the best country in the world, this is a department that South Africa is better in. It’s sad to see that so many people wait until they can’t handle it anymore before going in to see a doctor.
What do I miss the most about South Africa?
1. My family and friends – Some days are easier than others. I still think about them all the time. Some days I still wake up waiting for my sister to come and ask me to take her to school. Some days I still wait for my nephew to come and ask if he could watch an episode of DBZ with me. There are a lot of things I took for granted. Things I wish I could have again. Like aimlessly driving in circles with my sister, just so that we can finish that song. Or waking up from a Sunday nap to the smell of freshly cooked Sunday lunches. Or having Disney marathons with my sisters. Or getting together with all my cousins and being all weird and random. So many little moments that I wish I could have one last time.
2. Anna and Shepherd – NEVER take them for granted! They are precious workers and should be treated as such!
3. South African food!!! – Braai, curry, oxtail, LAMB, chicken livers, etc. Things that are either expensive or unavailable here.
4. Massages! Gosh I miss being able to go and get a proper massage whenever I needed it. It’s so expensive here. It’s too expensive here. Being used to it, my body is essentially a ball of tense muscles right now.
5. Travelling – I had the luxury of travelling South Africa with my family whenever we wanted to. I miss going on holidays, going to new places. I miss Sun City and Port Edward and the beach in and all those things I took for granted back then.
BUT I am happy here. I have the most amazing wife and two (almost three) amazing children, and I would not exchange that for ANYTHING IN THIS WORLD. The past year has allowed me to grow up, to become more of the person I was meant to be. I have gotten to spend my first Halloween, Thanksgiving and 4th of July with my wife and kids. 2018 has taught me that life is fair, because it is unfair to everyone, but I have a feeling that 2019 has a lot of new learning experiences in store, probably with quite a few surprises.