I have been here for 4 months already! Time really has flown by. It almost feels like yesterday that I got off of the plane in the MNSP airport, exhausted and anxious to see her again. And now look where I am – Staying with her in our home, married to the most amazing person in the world and being a parent to her kids. It almost feels surreal in some ways; I still find it difficult to get used to saying “I stay in America”.
I changed my current residence on Facebook today. Felt like it was time to change it finally. I have no intention of making any other place my home ever again. That realization had its own set of difficulties, but also brought forward some form of relief. It sounds strange, but that’s the best way for me to explain it.
I have settled nicely here in the United States! Much easier than I ever thought it would be. Emotionally I still miss my family all the time. There are so many memories that I wished I could share with them, so many things that i want to do. Fortunately for me, my mom booked their flight to visit us in June 😀 So excited! Can’t wait for them to be here, to feel the same sense of overwhelmed that I felt the first time I set foot on American soil. To be able to actively witness how different it is here.
I have found though that my most conflicting emotion has been the idea of feeling safe and being scared at the same time. Day-by-day the US is a thousand times safer than South Africa! People walk their dogs at midnight and kids are finally starting to come out of their houses with spring being nearby. It feels good to feel safe in that sense, to know that I am able to pick up Amanda from work at 10, and not have to worry TOO MUCH about all the dangers of being out of the house at that time. My brain is so wired to danger, that I am still weary all the time, still check every mirror at least every 15 seconds, but it’s relieving to find safety.
Then of course there are all the events shown on the news – Terrorist attacks, mass shootings, bomb threats, school shootings, etc. I don’t know how to manage it all. Americans seem so unconcerned by it. Probably because they have been brought up with these threats? I don’t know, but what I do know is that it is terrifying. South Africa didn’t have these things… It seems stupid to compare the US to SA, since they are as different as Hillary and Trump, but South Africa is the only comparison that I have. I am finding myself hesitating when entering big places like malls. And it is difficult to accept that it’s just a way of life here. I guess it will take me a lot of time to get used to. In some ways I don’t want to get used to it. I don’t want to accept that school shootings are regular and unavoidable occurrences here. I don’t want to read about bad things and just shrug my shoulders in frustration. I am by no means outspoken about my beliefs, but in this case I feel the need to share my thoughts. How does one accept these attacks and threats as just being another part of one’s day?
I also started with studies last month – so much work! I thought that distance learning would be easy, since I get to work on my time, my schedule, my pace. It is everything BUT easy! It’s stressful. And yet, I love the idea of gaining knowledge again. About bettering myself. So fortunately I have the motivation to finish my studies. To be better than I was!
I have gotten my appetite back it seems, and then some! For the past four months I barely ate… And although some of it was due to bad habits, the other part was just me not enjoying food anymore. That changed recently! We are eating healthy, and more importantly yummy food!
Not being allowed to work is still one of my biggest frustrations. I don’t know how people are able to be stay-at-home beings. I take my hat off to those who manage it without eventually conversing with dogs… Luckily I have my studies to keep me busy for the most part. But it’s still not the same as actively dealing with people.
I have been looking at possible community service work around me, and found an amazing organisation called big brothers big sisters! It seems perfect for me, and is definitely something I am considering doing in the meantime. I am in love with the concept they have, and I am very excited to get involved in it all… Once I have myself on a set schedule of course… All the baby steps.
I have realized that I drink coffee like water… Literally! Caffeine has never done anything for me, so clearly it is just force of habit. It definitely isn’t helping with the sleepiness lol.
I think that I may be living proof that SAD exists! This winter has caught up with me big time! Not being able to go outside has been driving me crazy! Definitely ready for springtime! Just to be able to go out as I please, to play outside with the dogs without the need to raise my body temperature every 20 minutes. But all-in-all I would say that I have managed the winter better than I thought I would! We will see what happens next year, when I am working during wintertime. The winter has definitely affected my muscle strength thought! I think the weight that I have lost this winter have been my muscles, and not body fat XD
Amanda keeps saying that I am losing my accent, and although I make jokes about the idea, it is kind of terrifying. I know that being around a new accent for long enough will eventually give me the same way of speaking, but I never thought it would happen so quickly! My South-Africa accent is one of the few things I have to proof my roots… It’s scary to think that I might lose that one day. Americans still seem to struggle to understand me when I speak though. I find myself repeating my orders fairly often. I think I speak so quickly, that I don’t realize that I still do have an accent to other people.
The arrogance in the US is still extremely humorous to me! I love seeing the shocked expression in people’s faces when I tell them that I am African! And I find it even more humorous that sometimes people listen to how I say something, instead of what I am saying. Apparently South-Africans have one of the “hottest” accents in the world… And I am not talking about the English version of our accent. People seem to love our “Bloemfontein boerkie” accent. Which is strange, considering that we work so hard to hide it in South Africa. We are taught to speak English “properly”. I have been practicing this accent when I am alone at home, and it feels so strange. But right now I am willing to do anything to keep my accent from tainting any further than it already has.
Right now life is good – I am happily married, with two step-children and people who I have already bonded with! I have been made to feel at home everywhere Amanda has taken me! And even though there are stressors, I would not want my life to be any different. I have never been this in love. I never even knew that love like this existed. Well it does, and I was fortunate enough to get it!
I will post my next one as soon as I have new things to share! With this country, that is inevitable!